Change

Anxiousness, excitement, fear, hope, inspiration...I felt all of these feelings and more in just a matter of a couple hours during the first night of The Creation Course at World School of Massage.  Anxiousness and fear overwhelmed me when I thought about how much change I might experience after completing the course, and honestly, change scares the hell out of me.  But excitement, hope and inspiration reassured me that if the change that I may go through scares me now, upon completion of the Creation Course, I hope to be closer to the person I've been working toward inside, and that person is not afraid of change because change is necessary for growth.  Growth itself, by definition, is change.  And growth is my personal goal in life, so shouldn't that mean that by nature I am open to and accepting of change?  Why does it scare me so much?  Why do I have a physical discomfort and uneasiness when I think about it?  Because it means saying goodbye to my comfort level now.  It means kissing goodbye all predictability in my life in its current state.  It means going on this journey alone, if I will not be joined hand-in-hand by the one I want so desperately to be joined by.  And all of that means my future is completely uncertain.  Uncertainty is my weakness.  So I guess it's uncertainty that scares me more than change.  It's the fear of the unknown.  Which brings me back to a quote I found so long ago that I repeat back to myself in times like this:

"The jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be...because of all I may become, I will close my eyes and leap!" ~Mary Anne Radmacher