mind chatter

Going down the rabbit hole again... however I'd actually rather go down the actual rabbit hole instead of the dark hole in my head.  Why is it again that I can't get my needs met?  Or know what they are?  Yes, once again trying to figure it out in my room all by myself. My room is, of course, where all my revelations occur and where I get my need for connection met, which is probably the need I have now.

 I imagine it's the need I have most often and the one that generates the most mind chatter. The feelings that come up for me that require other people, connection, or communication seem to be the hardest for me, so I guess that's most feelings... which makes it hard a lot of the time (so the mc tells me)  I want to be a beautiful fluid being that is accepting of all my emotions... even the ones that make me feel "disempowered". It's a lie anyway.  My feeling of disempowerment is just my needing someone else.  Isn't that OK?  Is it OK for me to need someone else?  Doesn't mean I'm needy, which obviously is bad ; ), but is it OK for me to 1, want to need someone? To trust others, to trust and nurture friendships, for the experience of loving to be the goal?  I keep thinking I should be somewhere else, somewhere else in my head, in my life, in writing this.  When is just being, now, OK? Why is now not OK? 

I'm feeling frustrated, tired, sad, agitated, confused...

The mind chatter says:

I should be different

This isn't right

I should be happy

I should be doing more with my life

My life will end and I will not have done anything with it

Why does it take me so long to do anything

Why can't I trust God

Why is it so painful

Why can't I fix my life

I should be able to know what to do

I should be able to get out of this myself

I shouldn't pull people down with me

I am all alone

I have no good friends

I have no support group

I have to do this all on my own